Welcome To Middle Earth

And so the lessons of high school began.

As much I was apprehensive, I was also extremely excited about entering a whole new world where I would be treated like a grown-up & trusted with responsibility and it would be FUN! How naive!

I remember feeling a sense of achievement at the end of primary school about no longer being the baby. Seven years of achievement - out the window, in my first day at high school. (It took me until after finishing school to realise that this is the natural flow of life - you start everything as the baby, newbie or rookie.)

We were all wide-eyed, innocent and ready to tackle this new world. That is, until such time that an older student decided to remind you that you are a nothing more than a little hobit existing amongst the Orks of Middle Earth.

There were many lessons to be learnt in this wonderous new world - girls and relationships, boys and relationships, girls and boys and their relationships...yeah I think that was the most of it!

From a young age, I developed a keen interest in "people watching". I would sit in the city and watch people for hours. How they walked, talked, facial expressions, hand gestures, interact with others. It was fascinating to gain an understanding of how a person's feelings and thoughts about someone manifest into a physical language that rarely lies.

I remember watching Alan Pease (Body Language expert) on TV many years ago and he explained the body language of sex and used teenage girls in his example. He stated that teenage girls who were sexually active or thinking about sex, talk to boys, they will generally stand with their pelvis forward in the direction of the boy they have interest in. Scary stuff - next time you see a group of teenagers, check this one out (possibly not a good idea to choose 'your' teenagers group of friends - I think there are some things better left alone). I found this topic interesting and very useful when it came to kids talking about their conquests and seeing whether the mouth and the body were saying the same thing!

Pity, however, that I wasn't so successful at this skill when it came to my own relationships. I was a bit of a 'late bloomer', which is not a bad thing except for the fact I think I hit a period of desperation, which all of us 'grown-ups' know can only mean trouble.

Always a good girl and respectful of my parents and their wishes for me to have a bright future, I watched my friends move in and out of relationships with boys. Bragging about what they got up to when their parents weren't around and how rosey life was with "Him" in their life, I started thinking I was being left behind. School dances and parties were great fun because I had a lot of male friends but never a 'boyfriend', but I stupidly thought I was missing out and went on a quest of my own to find myself one. It's amazing how intuitive even young boys are when it comes to sensing desperation. My male friends started to back away (most likely in fear) and it just became more and more difficult to find myself a suitor. Surely desperation generates it's own pheromone that warns the male species that he may be unsuspectingly backed into a corner and attacked by a crazed female. However, there are some specimens of both male and female who seek out this pheromone as they see it as an opportunity to satisfy their own desires. And guess what...?

I was a wounded lamb in a snake pit! My need to conform to the masses lead me head first into a world of trouble and rudderless rebellion.

My self esteem had taken a dive and I was ready to take whatever was offered by this point. A much older boy with a car (well I had to make up some lost ground so it needed to be impressive!) dangled the bait and not only did I take it, but he was lucky to get his fishing rod back! I liked him because he like me and that was enough. I could not stand hearing one more story about how much fun it was to have a boyfriend because I was sure my life would be over (at that age it doesn't take much). I wanted to have my own stories to share and join the competition!

Over the next couple of years, I defied anything that looked like rules, responsibility or caring concern, throwing caution to the wind only to put myself in the path of Category 4 cyclone! Why my parents didn't kick me out of home was beyond me. I was selfish, disrespectful and just downright obnoxious - lucky for me, they cared enough to keep me there, even if it was for their piece of mind. I intentionally broke curfew, even if only by five minutes, just to show my parents they couldn't control me. I climbed out of bedroom windows and disappeared into the early hours of the morning, which took a great deal of skill as my mother was an insomniac and her patterns of sleep were not conducive to sneaking out.

I was not only rebelling against the people who loved and cared about me, but was I doing it for a guy who resembelled the character of Gollum. (For those of you who are unfamiliar with Gollum, he featured in the story of the Lord of the Rings and became the creature you see hear when he possessed the fateful 'Ring' that consumed his very soul.)

Ultimately, I was his 'precious' and this disturbed young man became a vehicle for my hormonal desire to break free of adult reign and stand on my own two feet! What a convoluted understanding of the world!

Fortunately, I actually 'grew up' (after leaving school) and realised the error in my judgement was part of the evolving process and although there better ways of doing this, the path I chose set up some very difficult, but valuable life lessons.

I think the high school years are comparable to that of a zoo after closing time. Although there are many species of animals and many characteristics that separate them, after dark, the mischief they get up to is what draws their similarities together. Even though people behave differently, overall, we're mostly aiming for the same thing - freedom to be ourselves.

Beat the Bully

Now, where was I? Oh yes, that's right...

• Never allow those who taunted me to know they had succeeded.

Well this one is a doozey! I was teased alot at school and my parents tried to help by giving me this advice. They beleived that bullies would get bored if I didn't respond to their taunts and they would go about their business and leave me alone - yeah RIGHT! I felt like it presented as more of a 'challenge'.

"Let's see how much cruelty she will put up with and how long it will take for her to crack!" - Yeah, that's more like the thought processes of a bully.

I would put on the brave face when a retched girl in high school would spit in my hair, daily. I would go home and cry and wonder what I had ever done to deserve this treatment. This torment went on for near 3 years until we graduated. Regardless of my efforts to ignore, taunt back, confront or report this girl's behaviour, it was relentless. She kept pushing until I responded, and if it was going to take all year, she was going to persevere until she won.

For me, there has been a great lesson in all of this. I came to the realisation that it wasn't me that had something wrong with me, it is ALWAYS the bully.

Being exposed to bullying in the workplace recently, I began to uncover some similarities in those who bully others. Insecurity is the key. I started to notice those who taunt, do so to break down a person's self concept and esteem and eventually their confidence. Let's face it, if your opponent is stronger than you, the only way to remove them from the competition is to expose and exploit their weakness. After this stage is complete, the bully then has the 'threat' under control and assumes the role of Master Puppeteer.

"To succeed, you must always use the enemies weapons against them" - a great line by Gene Hackman in the film "Enemy of the State", and brilliant advice to boot!

Correct me if I'm wrong but I think it's fair to say that bullies are aggressive (passively or just in your face, nevertheless, aggressive). Aggressive personalities seek out their aggressee for two reasons;

1. To justify their aggressiveness or


2. To give their self concept a 'boost', by picking on those who are passive and less confident.

So as you can see, nobody is immune to bullies, not even the bullies themselves. There will always be someone 'stronger' than them too.

Assertiveness can act as a magnet for a bully. After years of soul searching, trying to work out what was wrong with me, I grew more confidence in who am I and what I stand for. When I was young, I attracted bullies because I just didn't want any trouble, a peacemaker, a lover not a fighter - and that was seen as a weakness to exploit. As a confident, assertive adult, I attract a different type of bully, one who seeks an outlet for their aggression and the challenge of an Assertive person is just too good to pass up.

My most recent encounter with not one, but three bullies, all with corporate, positional power was a real test for me. I endured threats, a lack of positional stability and constant unnecessary questioning of my work. All this because I stood up for what was in the company's best interest, and I was heard.

If they wanted a witch-hunt, I was going to be the 'one that got away'. As in all corporations, it is in an employee's best interest to put everything in writing - so that's what I did. I insisted all requests be in writing due to my extensive travel, I wanted to ensure I kept abreast of my workload and this was the most effective method. I also kept a diary of conversations and became a trusted source of information (always maitaining integrity, afterall, I'd never stoop to their level). I kept my colleague's close but my bullies so close I'm surprised they could breathe!

It became a game to me after I got the hang of the rules of play. I gradually learnt how to reel each bully in until they developed a distrust of the other (obviously they were in cohoots with each other). I know how incredibly calculating and cruel this may sound, but I never did anything that was immoral, and I never took revenge. I merely played their game and manipulated their rules to create their undoing. And sat back to enjoy the aftermath.

So if you are or have been subjected to bullying, please know, the problem is not you. It really is the insecurity and severe lack of self esteem of the bully. You are great just as you are, and if they can't have what you've got, they want to take it from you. Take back the control.

In conclusion - If you are or were a bully, I can tell you, this affects a persons entire life - often indefinitely. You're not tough, you're not funny - you are extraordinarily SAD! And one day, you WILL play ball with the WRONG person!